Refresh Your Marriage This Week

You two put it together and moved to North Carolina or South Carolina. How smart you were, avoiding snow, ice, and taxes, and trading it for refreshing balmy breezes, new friends, and activities. But marriages can feel "stuck" in wintery weather even though everything else is different and new.  When I am with friends in this wonderful retirement area, and I mention that I am a Marriage Counselor, my friends will say;   "Oh Boy".  "We don't do a lot of things together". "One of us likes to be on the go, and the other likes to stay home". "We don't talk like we should".   Hang in there. Things can turn a gradually turn a corner.

Here is the starting point. Did you recently have unpleasant words with your spouse? Use an unpleasant encounter with each other to make a different conversation begin.  In Marriage Counseling, we call it "Aftermath of a Fight or Difficult Discussion".  Wait a day or so for things to calm down a little. Then get very brave and say to your partner, "What can we do to enjoy each other's company more. I know that you feel lonely, and so do I." This is a statement that will catch your partner off guard. First, they didn't expect you to say something "refreshing" like this. "Surprise" always gets their attention and gives an an exit to a negative conversation and a pathway to a positive conversation.  

Secondly, you spoke the truth. You married each other for a reason, because you liked each other and loved spending time together. Both of you miss feeling connected and close. And this makes each of you feel lonely.  When you say something like this, it will hit a soft place in the heart of your spouse. In Marriage Counseling, we call this a "Dream or a Longing underneath a Conflict". Because your spouse shares this thought with you, even if they keep it hidden and private, just the fact that you said it out loud can bring the other person to the table for a conversation. 

Don't be surprised if your spouse says, "We can't even talk without fussing and fighting".  He or she is telling you that they are uncomfortable with opening up because they don't trust where the conversation will go in the end. Stay calm and reassuring by saying, "I know we fuss and worse sometimes, but I really want to know how you want things to be." "I know that I would like things to be different."

These starter words can be enough to begin a meaningful conversation and with a little effort, it will lead to more conversations that help you say out loud your thoughts and ideas about current dreams for your relationship and give your spouse the chance to voice their own thoughts. 

But if  the conversation goes to a difficult spot don't give up. You may need some extra help.  The good news is there are books, weekend retreats, and local marriage counseling that can give that extra help and tools to make your marriage relationship match he balmy breezes of the Carolina Coast that you so wisely chose, leaving behind the dreaded snow shovel.

Balmy breezes in your marriage is what you long for! Let's get some of that to happen!